Tears, lots and lots of tears. Do you remember that little stuffed toy, that we could never figure out what it is was so we called it "Dot". It was blue and has arms, legs, and a big smile on it. You gave it to me some 14 years ago as a surprise. I got a new car and you put it on my rearview mirror. I bet you didn't know I still have it.
In fact it is sitting here beside me as I type this. It went with me today when I went up to the SASS grounds to see what your Dad, Aubrey and Shane had got finished. The church is up, they were working on the sherrifs office and the saloon. Next week they will be working on the gunsmithing shop, saddle shop and the bank.
I have run out of tears and words. I am tired I will finish this and write tomorrow.
Love Mom
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Day You Leave
I slept with your jacket last night. Some how it got to the bed from the closet. It is the Navy jacket you left for your Dad with your last name emblazended across your left chest in bright golden yellow. I cried so much yesterday, my tears dried up.
I have a big red "X" on my calendar that says Bear goes to War.
I was awoke this morning with the special ring we put on the phone to let us know it was you and I flew out of the bedand searched for the phones. Your Dad got it before I could get there. He is a strong man, but I think I saw a single tear as he handed me the phone and turned away.
You were at the airport and were just moments away from boarding the plane that will take you to Kuwait and then on to Afghanastan.I could hear a small quiver in your voice in response to my quiver in telling you "I love you! Be strong! Come home safe!" And then you had to go.
How I wish I could run to you and envelope you in my arms and hold you and tell you it was all going to be ok like I did when you had a bike accident or some one at school was being mean to you. Or when the one you thought was the one broke your heart.
So, when you are scared, feel my arms around you, when you are hurt, remember me being cheek to cheek and telling you it is going to be ok, and if you can't sleep at night, remember me softly tucking your hair behind you ear and singing "Over the Rainbow".
And most of all remember I'll love you always.
Mom
I have a big red "X" on my calendar that says Bear goes to War.
I was awoke this morning with the special ring we put on the phone to let us know it was you and I flew out of the bedand searched for the phones. Your Dad got it before I could get there. He is a strong man, but I think I saw a single tear as he handed me the phone and turned away.
You were at the airport and were just moments away from boarding the plane that will take you to Kuwait and then on to Afghanastan.I could hear a small quiver in your voice in response to my quiver in telling you "I love you! Be strong! Come home safe!" And then you had to go.
How I wish I could run to you and envelope you in my arms and hold you and tell you it was all going to be ok like I did when you had a bike accident or some one at school was being mean to you. Or when the one you thought was the one broke your heart.
So, when you are scared, feel my arms around you, when you are hurt, remember me being cheek to cheek and telling you it is going to be ok, and if you can't sleep at night, remember me softly tucking your hair behind you ear and singing "Over the Rainbow".
And most of all remember I'll love you always.
Mom
Day before you leave
Today is the day I have dreaded all my life. The day you become a man. Not when you moved out of the house, or when you had your first girlfriend or even when you bought your first car.
You were the sweetest little thing when you were born. All round and chubby and topped with the sweetest black hair, that I begged your Nee Naw not to put in a curl right in the middle of your head.(Even though it was adorable, I knew you would hate it later when the girls saw your baby pictures.)
You had a hard time growin up, never knowing where you fit in. But from the age of 5 you knew you wanted to be in th military. One day it would be Navy, next the Marines and then I want Jets. Yes, you wanted to fly and be free like the time you jumped off the balcony into the bushes below.
You know I don't know how I made it through your childhood, well yes I do. It was all encompassing love. I loved you so much it didn't matter what happened. If I yelled at you we would always sit down later and talk it out.
I remember one time I slapped you and to this day when I think of it my heart aches and I can not tell you how sorry I am for that day.
It was funny because older adults would tell me they could have intelligent conversations with you and how smart you were. We all knew this is why you had so many problems with your peers. I just didn't know how to turn it around for you so it would work for you. And then on top of that I was always so sick. And you would take care of me. A child stayed with his Mom instead of friends because she was sick. Do you know how special you really are?
So, the day before you leave for Afghanastan, know that I love you, know that I will pray for you, and yes I will cry, but I will try to stand strong for you and when you come home I will be here to hug you and listen if you need an ear or just sit with you in silence.
I have your picture and a candle that will burn until you come home.
You are a good soldier and even a better man. Stay strong, faithful and serve your country.
Your Mom
You were the sweetest little thing when you were born. All round and chubby and topped with the sweetest black hair, that I begged your Nee Naw not to put in a curl right in the middle of your head.(Even though it was adorable, I knew you would hate it later when the girls saw your baby pictures.)
You had a hard time growin up, never knowing where you fit in. But from the age of 5 you knew you wanted to be in th military. One day it would be Navy, next the Marines and then I want Jets. Yes, you wanted to fly and be free like the time you jumped off the balcony into the bushes below.
You know I don't know how I made it through your childhood, well yes I do. It was all encompassing love. I loved you so much it didn't matter what happened. If I yelled at you we would always sit down later and talk it out.
I remember one time I slapped you and to this day when I think of it my heart aches and I can not tell you how sorry I am for that day.
It was funny because older adults would tell me they could have intelligent conversations with you and how smart you were. We all knew this is why you had so many problems with your peers. I just didn't know how to turn it around for you so it would work for you. And then on top of that I was always so sick. And you would take care of me. A child stayed with his Mom instead of friends because she was sick. Do you know how special you really are?
So, the day before you leave for Afghanastan, know that I love you, know that I will pray for you, and yes I will cry, but I will try to stand strong for you and when you come home I will be here to hug you and listen if you need an ear or just sit with you in silence.
I have your picture and a candle that will burn until you come home.
You are a good soldier and even a better man. Stay strong, faithful and serve your country.
Your Mom
Right/Left on the Fence...
There are a few things I am passionate about sexually abused children, the extinction of honey bees, the ovepopulation of our pets, and yes all the cats and dogs our the worlds pets, and the polar bears.
This is from the joinwwfusa.org web site:
"Rising global temperatures are threatening wildlife all around the world and putting polar bears at risk of extinction. WWF is working to save polar bears and other species, and to preserve the habitats they need to survive. We need your help to put our solutions into action.
With help from supporters like you, we can continue to protect endangered animals from climate change and other global threats. Your gift of just $16 a month could mean the difference between survival and extinction for polar bears, orangutans, tigers and other wildlife."
I dont know about you but the polar bears were my favorite when we went to the zoo when I was little. They always looked like a big white teddy bear.
It is sad though that global warming is putting them at risk. The polar cap in the last 20 years has reduced in size and the areas they used to roam is no longer able to support them. So the mothers are leaving the babies to fend for themselves.
So, please even if you just want to see beautiful pictures of the animals they have on this site, visit it. And if you want to donate that is great to!
Kat
This is from the joinwwfusa.org web site:
"Rising global temperatures are threatening wildlife all around the world and putting polar bears at risk of extinction. WWF is working to save polar bears and other species, and to preserve the habitats they need to survive. We need your help to put our solutions into action.
With help from supporters like you, we can continue to protect endangered animals from climate change and other global threats. Your gift of just $16 a month could mean the difference between survival and extinction for polar bears, orangutans, tigers and other wildlife."
I dont know about you but the polar bears were my favorite when we went to the zoo when I was little. They always looked like a big white teddy bear.
It is sad though that global warming is putting them at risk. The polar cap in the last 20 years has reduced in size and the areas they used to roam is no longer able to support them. So the mothers are leaving the babies to fend for themselves.
So, please even if you just want to see beautiful pictures of the animals they have on this site, visit it. And if you want to donate that is great to!
Kat
To My Dearest Meggie Mae!
My best friend left Las Vegas at 1:00am this morning to Arkansas. She will be burying her 30 year old daughter in the next few days. She was home for Christmas and was a proud Grandma of a 2 month old baby girl.
Yesterday while talking on the phone for not less than an hour, which usually is the case when we start talking, my bff received a call on her cell phone. It had rang 4 different times that we were talking and she said well I will just call them back when we get off the phone. We always put each other on speaker phone so we can go about our duties at our houses.
The last time her cell rang she told me to hold on and answered. I knew something had happened because I heard her ask about Megan's husband and baby and then she screamed, "No don't Brenda don't!" And then let out the most gutteral sound I have ever heard coming from a human being. I heard her fall to the floor and making her way over to the phone still screaming and telling me, "My baby is dead, Robin(my real name). I need to call Tom!"(dh)
So, we hung up and in the evening I called and talked to Tom, to learn that Meggie Mae had gone off the road and went head on with a tree and was killed instantly. We have no other information just yet.
So, Meggie Mae, I have known and loved you since you were a little scamp at 12. I watched you blossom into a lovely teenager who was kind hearted and loved life.
When you moved to Mississippi I would talk for hours with your Mom because she missed you so. And then when you got married, I couldn't believe you were so grown up and ready. You weathered some very hard times at the beginning of the marriage but over came some of the problems and last year in October gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I promise you I will take care of your Mom for you and make sure she gets as much love and anything else that she needs. I promise I will patiently listen to her grieving with out complaining and leave at any time for Las Vegas if she needs me there.
Most of all you will be missed my little Indian! I love you!
I don't understand the ways of God and the reasons for tragedies like this except I think the Devil steals the good ones away. And while I know we will see her again one day I will still smile at the old times and regret the time I missed with this beautiful winged creature of God.
Rest in Peace my sweet Meggie Mae
Yesterday while talking on the phone for not less than an hour, which usually is the case when we start talking, my bff received a call on her cell phone. It had rang 4 different times that we were talking and she said well I will just call them back when we get off the phone. We always put each other on speaker phone so we can go about our duties at our houses.
The last time her cell rang she told me to hold on and answered. I knew something had happened because I heard her ask about Megan's husband and baby and then she screamed, "No don't Brenda don't!" And then let out the most gutteral sound I have ever heard coming from a human being. I heard her fall to the floor and making her way over to the phone still screaming and telling me, "My baby is dead, Robin(my real name). I need to call Tom!"(dh)
So, we hung up and in the evening I called and talked to Tom, to learn that Meggie Mae had gone off the road and went head on with a tree and was killed instantly. We have no other information just yet.
So, Meggie Mae, I have known and loved you since you were a little scamp at 12. I watched you blossom into a lovely teenager who was kind hearted and loved life.
When you moved to Mississippi I would talk for hours with your Mom because she missed you so. And then when you got married, I couldn't believe you were so grown up and ready. You weathered some very hard times at the beginning of the marriage but over came some of the problems and last year in October gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I promise you I will take care of your Mom for you and make sure she gets as much love and anything else that she needs. I promise I will patiently listen to her grieving with out complaining and leave at any time for Las Vegas if she needs me there.
Most of all you will be missed my little Indian! I love you!
I don't understand the ways of God and the reasons for tragedies like this except I think the Devil steals the good ones away. And while I know we will see her again one day I will still smile at the old times and regret the time I missed with this beautiful winged creature of God.
Rest in Peace my sweet Meggie Mae
My Greatest Fears Realized!
As you know the Bear is in the Navy Working in Special Warfare with the Seals. He just called us a bit ago and told us he got his orders. He was suppose to go to Spain, but now he is going to one of the places I have feared most, Afghanistan.
I started shaking and took some Ativan and while I am still shaking I have not really realized the full scope of what is happening. I think I am in some kind of shock. Bear is my one and only.
I could only have one because I had cancer 2 years after his birth and everything was removed. He has always had my heart and every beat, beats for him. I never knew you could fall so much in love with someone who you just met after birth.
So, I am just asking for prayers that God will guide his hand to be light and or heavy when needed, his heart to be loving and kind , that his legs to be swift and that his soul to be right with God in case he will meet his maker.
I have loved this child now a man for 22 years of my life ..... and I will go on loving him the rest of mine!
So here's to you BEAR and all that goes with it "I LOVE YOU" and GOOD LUCK" and "The Home Fire's ARE Burning" and there will be a candle lit every night in YOUR HONOR until you are safe.
Kat
I started shaking and took some Ativan and while I am still shaking I have not really realized the full scope of what is happening. I think I am in some kind of shock. Bear is my one and only.
I could only have one because I had cancer 2 years after his birth and everything was removed. He has always had my heart and every beat, beats for him. I never knew you could fall so much in love with someone who you just met after birth.
So, I am just asking for prayers that God will guide his hand to be light and or heavy when needed, his heart to be loving and kind , that his legs to be swift and that his soul to be right with God in case he will meet his maker.
I have loved this child now a man for 22 years of my life ..... and I will go on loving him the rest of mine!
So here's to you BEAR and all that goes with it "I LOVE YOU" and GOOD LUCK" and "The Home Fire's ARE Burning" and there will be a candle lit every night in YOUR HONOR until you are safe.
Kat
Happy New Year! What? When?
I am writing in purple because purple is my favorite color! We actually went to a party I enjoyed this year for New Years. But being on the medication cycle I am on I started getting really sleepy at 10:30 and I do things like fall asleep in my dominos, which happened to be the game we were playing that night.
Our host Susie, bless her heart, was like, "Kat, are you ok?"
Me: Yes, I'm just looking at what to play.
2 minutes later
the Rev says, "play this!"
Me: OK
Around the table we went again and the same conversation. Finally we just decided to come home. I really hated to leave but Im sure I wasn't much fun at that moment. These are new friends and they accept me with all my flaws and my crazy illness.
So, that was my New Years, I missed it never saw it coming or leaving maybe one day I will.
Bwahahahaha!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
Our host Susie, bless her heart, was like, "Kat, are you ok?"
Me: Yes, I'm just looking at what to play.
2 minutes later
the Rev says, "play this!"
Me: OK
Around the table we went again and the same conversation. Finally we just decided to come home. I really hated to leave but Im sure I wasn't much fun at that moment. These are new friends and they accept me with all my flaws and my crazy illness.
So, that was my New Years, I missed it never saw it coming or leaving maybe one day I will.
Bwahahahaha!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
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